Glitches

Glitches
A Fan Fiction by The Webmaster
Based on Are You Being Served?
Created by Jeremy Lloyd and David Croft

The Players:
Mr. Wilberforce Claiborne Humphries... Senior Assistant Salesperson, Gent's Ready Made
Mr. Dick Lucas... Junior Salesperson, Gent's Ready Made
Mr. Ernest Grainger... Senior Salesperson, Gent's Ready Made
Mrs. Betty Slocombe... Senior Salesperson, Ladies Intimate Apparel
Miss Shirley Brahms... Junior Salesperson, Ladies Intimate Apparel
Capt. Stephen Peacock.. Floorwalker, Gentleman's and Ladies department
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold... Floor Manager
Mr. Beverly Harmon... Senior Maintenance Person
Young Mr. Grace... Founder and CEO, Grace Brothers, Ltd.
Mr. Potter... Senior Technical Advisory, Grace Bros. Technology department
Customer 1, 2, 3, 4, & 5

Scene one: Gent's Ready Made.  Mr. Lucas and Mr. Humphries are assisting a customer.

Mr. Humphries: (Assisting customer put jacket on, which is obviously too big) There you are sir, perfect fit.
Customer: Perfect fit?  The arms are too long and the jacket is too loose.
Mr. Lucas: Well, this line runs a bit large.
Customer: Well, I'd prefer the next smallest size.
Mr. Humphries: Oh no, sir.  You see, this garment is made of 100% tiger's fur.
Customer: (Surprised) Tiger's fur?
Mr. Humphries: Yes.  You see, a tiger's skin is looser than most animals.
Customer: Is it?
Mr. Lucas: Indeed. 
Mr. Humphries: You see, a tiger needs loose fur because it is so agile and cunning, just like you sir.
Customer: (Slightly buttered up) Oh really? (Looks at himself in mirror) Yes, I see what you mean. I think I will take it.
Mr. Lucas: Sale Mr. Humphries
Mr. Humphries: (With a smile) Sale, Mr. Lucas.
Mr. Lucas: And may I say, sir, you couldn't have picked a better jacket for chasing wild gazells in the Serengeti.

Miss Brahms and Mrs. Slocombe are talking over at the Ladies counter.   Mrs. Slocombe has just finished with a customer.

Mrs. Slocombe: (To the exiting customer) Thank you for your custome, Madam. (turns and walks over to Miss Brahms.)
Miss Brahms: You was tellin me bout this bloke you met last night at the disco.
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh yes.  Where was I?
Miss Brahms: You and 'im just come out the disco and were lookin for a taxi.
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh yes, he seemed quite nice at the bar.  He bought me a couple of Gin and Tonics.
Miss Brahms: You didn't get shloshed again last night, did you?
Mrs. Slocombe: (Indignantly) Certainly not, Miss Brahms.
Miss Brahms: Sorry.
Mrs. Slocombe: Anyway, I think he had too much to drink.  You see, when I stood up to greet him, he was swirving about, you know how they do. (Miss Brahms just rolls her eyes)  So he asks me if I want to go back to his place.
Miss Brahms: And did you?
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I would have if his wife hadn't followed him out of the pub.

Mr. Rumbold come walking out from his office and stands next to Capt. Peacock.

Mr. Rumbold: Capt. Peacock, would you gather the staff for me?
Capt. Peacock: Certainly, sir. (Looks over at the Ladies counter) Miss Brahms, Mrs. Slocombe, are you free? (Looks over at the men's counter) Mr. Grainger, are you free? (Grainger walks over to Peacock, Rumbold, Brahms and Slocombe)  Mr. Lucas, Mr. Humphries, are you free?
Mr. Lucas and Mr. Humphries (Look around and say together) We're free! (They walk over to where the staff are gathered).
Capt. Peacock: I believe Mr. Rumbold has an announcement to make.
Mr. Rumbold: Yes.  Now, as you may have heard, Grace Brothers is about to add a brand new way of keeping track of merchandise and sales with a new type of computerized sales register.
Mr. Grainger: Excuse me, sir, for interrupting.
Mr. Rumbold: Go ahead, Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Grainger: I hope that at my time of life you don't expect me to learn a new-fangled computer machine.
Mr. Rumbold: Don't worry Mr. Grainger. I assure you that a five year old could run this machine.
Miss Brahms: Oh, then I guess Mr. Lucas is qualified.
Mr. Rumbold: Now, now.  As I was saying, we are going to have a new computerized system to keep track of sales and stock.  Now, Mr. Grace had provided Mr. Potter, head of the technology department, to come up here at 5:30 today and explain the new system.
Mrs. Slocombe: (Angry) Just a minute.  That's our own time, Mr. Rumbold.
Miss Brahms: Yeah!  I 'ave a date on tonight.
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh really?  You didn't mention that to me this morning.
Miss Brahms: Well, I met 'im on the bus yesterday after work....
Mr. Rumbold: Ladies, if you don't mind.  Now, I know this is an inconvenience to some of you, but we will all benefit from the new system.
Mr. Lucas: May I ask a question?
Mr. Rumbold: Certainly, Mr. Lucas.
Mr. Lucas: IS attendence manditory.
Mr. Rumbold: Yes.  So, if there aren't anymore questions, I will see you all here at 5:30 tonight. (The staff moan in agreement).

Scene two: 5:30.  The counters and displays are covered with sheets and the traditional table for meetings has been set up at center floor.

Mr. Lucas: (walks over to his seat) Well, I hope they will feed us, I'm starving.
Mr. Humphries: Me too.  That canteen gruel wasn't up to the usual standard today, was it Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Grainger (Holding his stomach) Most certainly not, Mr. Humphries.  I'm afraid it's set my stomach up.
Mrs. Slocombe: I know how you feel, Mr. Grainger.  I feel as though my stomach is just twice as big as normal.
Mr. Lucas: Really Mrs. Slcombe?  I thought you were like that naturally.
Mrs. Slocombe: (Angrily) Mr. Grainger, please ask your junior to refrain from sarky remarks or he may get a belt 'round the mush!
Mr. Lucas: I am terribly sorry, Mrs. Slocombe.
Mrs. Slocombe: Apology accepted.  Just don't let it 'appen again!
Mr. Rumbold and Capt. Peacock come walking in from Rumbolds office
Mr. Rumbold: Now, where is the new till and Mr. Potter. (A rustling sound comes from offstage)
Capt. Peacock: I think I see Harmon and Potter now.
Mr. Harmon (Signing while wheeling a cart with a large till on it) Rolling round the world, looking for the sunshine....
Mr. Rumbold: Ah, Harmon, that's quite good of you to assist in bringing the new computerized till.
Mr. Harmon: Thank you very much, Mr. Rumbold, but I am the Junior Technical advisor, so it is my job to bring this lot up 'ere.
Mr. Rumbold: Where is Mr. Potter?
Mr. Harmon: 'e's right behind me. (A young, attractive man comes walking out.   Miss Brahms and Mrs. Slocombe both take notice of him)
Miss Brahms: Oh isn't 'e 'andsome!
Mrs. Slocombe: He could show me how to work my till anytime.
Mr. Humphries: I'll second that.
Mr. Rumbold: Now, Mr. Potter, if you'd like to take over.
Mr. Potter: Yes.  Well, here we have the new Computerized Sales tabulator, known as CompSTab for short.  Mr. Harmon, if you'd mind plugging it in, we'll get right into the discussion.
Mr. Harmon: Certainly. (He takes the cord and plugs it in behind the Ladies counter.  It begins to make a sound like a plane startin gup, only softer.)
Mr. Humphries: Oh my, I hope it won't make that noise all day long.
Mr. Potter: Need not to worry , Mr. Humphries, it only makes that noise when it starts.
Mrs. Slocombe: Good.  I'd hate for people to think that big noise was me.
Mr. Lucas: What about all the other times? (Slocombe gives Mr. Lucas a dirty look)
Mr. Potter: Now, if you'd all like to gather around the till here, I'll show you how it works. (The staff get up and walk over to Mr. Potter and the till.  Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Brahms, and Mr. Humphries clamor to trie and stand next to Potter.   Slocombe wins.)
Mr. Grainger: I say, look at all of those buttons.  I'll never be able to master this.
Mr. Potter: Ah, but you are wrong.  This is a simple machine.  You just push a few buttons and it does what you want.
Mr. Lucas; Sound like this bird I met last week.
Mr. Potter: Now, when it is first turned on, you will need to input your employee number for it to work.  This is essential because it will use your number to keep track of your sales.
Mr. Lucas: So does that mean we won't need our sales books anymore?
Mr. Potter: No, you will not need them anymore.  And, not only will it keep track of your sales, it will keep track of your department's total sales, tell you when sales are down or up, and it will also keep track of all the stock in your department.
Mr. Rumbold: It sounds a most ingenius device.
Capt. Peacock: Sounds very interesting indeed.
Mr. Potter: Now, there are a few things you must learn.  First, you must put your employee number in as I said before.  Secondly, the keys are color coded as to avoid confusion.  For making a sale, you must press the red sales key, for giving a store credit for a customer return, you must press the green return key, for tracking inventory, you must press the blue inventory key and to see a record of your, or your departments total sales, you must press the pink totals key.  I have a small handbook to give to each of you to study at your own liesure. (Mr. Harmon hands out a 20 page book to each staff member.)
Miss Brahms: (Looking through the book) Blimey, looks 'ow easy it looks to operate.
Mr. Grainger: Indeed, Miss Brahms.
Capt. Peacock: May we have a demonstration, Mr. Potter?
Mr. Potter: Of course.  Mrs. Slocombe, could you please act as the salesperson and Mr. Humphries, would you play a customer?
Mr. Slocombe and Mr. Humphries: Certainly. (Mrs Slocombe takes her positionbehind the counter and Mr. Humphries stands in front of it.)
Mrs. Slocombe: Good evening sir, Are You Being Served?
Mr. Humphries: No.  I had come too look for a new purse for me mother.
Mrs. Slocombe: Is it her birthday?
Mr. Humphries: No.  I just thought I would buy her a new one to replace the one she lost.
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh what a good son.  How did she loose her purse?
Mr. Humphries: She bet it on a Jack and 2 Queens and lost.
Mrs. Slocombe: Yes, so, what kind of purse did you need?
Mr. Humphries: Well, a simple, yet stately one that's good enough for around the town, yet posh enough for Romanos.
Mrs. Slocombe: Ah.  I have just the very handbag. (She walks over to a display and gets a wonderfully simple designed, soft pink handbag)
Mr. Humphries: Oh my.  That's a lovely color.  Can I walk it?
Mrs. Slocombe: Walk it?
Mr. Humphries: Yes (He places the strap over his shoulder and begins to prance about the floor back and forth.  After a few seonds, he walks back over to Mrs. Slocombe)  I think I'll take it.
Mrs. Slocombe: (Looks down at the till) Oh where;s me glasses? (Finds her glasses on her counter and places them on.) Now, I press the red sales key. (She presses it) Oh look, it's saying something (Reading from the screen) Input Price. (She enters the price on the keypad) Now it says enter quanity (She enters the quantity) Now, it wants to know if there is anything else for this sale.
Mr. Potter: Now, just press the purple Tax key to end the sale.
Mrs. Slocombe: (Presses the purple tax key) Oh my.  It's adding the tax and all. (The machine makes a few slight noises as it processes) Ah.  That'll be 11 pounds 50.  Will this be cash or account?
Mr. Humphries: Account.
Mr. Potter. Now, press the brown account key, which is next to the black cash key.
Mrs. Slocombe: (Presses the brown account key.) Oh look!  It's printing a recipt!  Isn't this most ingenious.
Mr. Rumbold: Quite impressive.
Mr. Grainger: I must say, it doesn't look that difficult to learn.
Mr. Potter: Now, since it seems that most of you understand the machine, with Mr. Rumbold's permission, we can call it a night.
Mr. Rumbold: I agree.  (The staff clamor to get their coats and hats) I'll see you all here tomorrow morning!

Scene 3:  The staff are entering for the morning.  Cpt. Peacock is center floor and Mrs. Slocombe and Miss Brahms are talking to him.

Mrs. Slocombe: I must say,Capt. Peacock, its a rather large machine.
Cpt. Peacock: Indeed, Mrs. Slocombe.  You should have been here about half an hour ago when we proceeded to turn on the tills.  It sounded like we were at Heathro.
(The lift bell sounds and in walks Mr. Grainger)
Mr. Grainger: (Walking down the steps from the lift to the signing-in book at the mens counter) Good morning, Steven.
Cpt. Peacock: Good morning Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Grainger: Did you have a look through that book last night?
Cpt. Peacock: Indeed.  Didn't you?
Mr. Grainger: I most certainly did.  I found that is seems a most simple machine to operate.
Mrs. Slocombe: I was sayin that to Miss Brahms earlier.  I think its wonderful that it'll keep up with the stock.
Mr. Grainger:  Indeed.  I'll know when my trousers are down from now on
Miss Brahms: Yeah, and we'll 'ave a way to see if our bra's are off too!
(The lift bell rings and in comes Mr. Humphries)
Mr. Humphries: Good morning all. (He walks over to the signing-in book)  I say I can't wait to get behind the new till.
Cpt. Peacock: I think we all share those sentiments, though I will not be able to use it much unless I have to assist in a No sale.
(The store bells sounds.  Then the lift bells sounds and in runs Mr. Lucas)
Mr. Lucas (running for the book) Sorry I am late, Cpt. Peacock.
Cpt. Peacock: it's alright today, Mr. Lucas.  I trust you are late because you were studying your CompSTab book last night.
Mr. Lucas: (Surprised) Yeah, something like that.
Cpt. Peacock (Walking to center floor) Positions everyone.  The public is coming in.